The Fear of Not Knowing

I have been on a roller coaster ride here lately.  It’s up and down… up and down.  Sometimes I know what to expect but not always. We have recently started fundraisers to help with the travel expenses in Germany.  Wow.  When I say Germany I get scared.  I am not sure why.  But there is this big part of me that is just horribly afraid. I try to think of all the positive things that can happen and then I start thinking of all the things that could go wrong or that could possibly change me in ways that leave me hesitant. Surgery is necessary, it is not something cosmetic for me and at my size I don’t feel that image wise it will make that great of a difference, but If I can walk to the mailbox pain free, well then it would be all worth it.  I have ordered the supplements, I wear the compression stockings. I have been working on doing more and more to help myself these days.  Finding out there is a diagnosis to feeling miserable for the last 20 plus years is a relief and a curse.  I am kinder to myself these days, and it is easier to look at the ignorance of others and turn the other cheek. I used to punish myself so often with this diet and that workout and this method and that… I think this is the first year I have been able to look past all the diet fads and schemes without thinking I should try that one too. It is a relief. Maybe I just haven’t had time to think about it? These days it’s more complicated than not… I mean there is therapy, aquatic therapy … wraps, compression garments, MLD… you name it, its being done and often on a daily basis. So why stress about the new diet that I know now more than anything, it just won’t help.  This trip to GERMANY… yeah that is going to help… it has to because this lady can’t take anymore let downs, especially when it comes to me walking or not. When the money is out of pocket and there is no help coming from insurance companies….. IT HAS TO WORK!!!  I have changed my wedding plans and venue because me having a fancy wedding won’t mean anything if I can’t walk down the isle to meet my groom.  I hope the fear will lessen over time and that the more I learn the better I will feel about things… but until then I will just steady this ride a little longer!!!

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