Strong Enough To Bend

It amazes me how easy it is for people to jump on the Negative Nancy band wagon. They don’t see things with their eyes and therefore it must not be true. Here recently I haven’t felt myself. Everything around me is changing.  I have had friendships ruined by actions that were neither right or wrong. Things have been done that can’t and will not be changed. My wedding planning has completely fallen apart. I have to put so much off that I really don’t want to and honestly it is tearing me to pieces.  I have been in touch with a surgeon in Germany who specializes in my condition. He is the best and has been doing these surgeries for a long time.  I know that he can help me and I also know that he will give me my life back, but of course that comes with a cost.  My fiance and I have been talking about this for a bit and came to the conclusion that my health is far more important than a wedding and reception.  People who love us truly will be the ones to understand.   I have come to learn that there are people out there that understand what it is to have a chronic condition and then there are others, they are the ones who are comparing you with all the people that have visible conditions such as cancer.  That is a ugly word.  And disease…. any disease  is just ugly.

The other day after I was done with my PT , I was feeling really tired and very sore.  Even with my weight I was never really slow. But this was a slow day… my body just hurt to move and by the time it was bedtime,  I was in tears.  My fiance tried to help but I didn’t even want him to touch my legs, they were so painful.  It reminded me of when I got hit by a drunk driver.  That pain was horrible but I managed to push through and eventually it was gone and my body healed itself.   It’s a harsh reality knowing that my body is not going to heal itself this time.  That the pain I have will be there sometimes not as bad… but it will always be there.  I pray that this journey to Germany is going to help me and not set me back. There is always this part of me that is going to question whether I am truly going to find relief and feel better.  I can’t take hormones now and that is proving to be a disaster… I am cranky, moody, miserable, emotional..irrational.  What a pain in the rear I must be around those that love me.

I feel like lately I am being forced to make decisions that are not fair.  I can’t imagine some of the choices other people have to make. How hard it must be for them to make decisions based on a loved ones health and well being.  I am lucky enough that I can make those important choices on my own, but of course there is always a price to pay.  There are paths that we have chosen in life and then there are paths we are forced to take. I wanted to have a beautiful wedding,  put a nice bit of money down on a house and pay off some bills.  Now I have to choose to pay a doctor in Germany to do a few surgeries so that I am able to live a more healthful life with my fiancee and our kids….  it is the best choice because that means I won’t be in a wheelchair and I will be able to do things with my loved ones longer.  Not the choice I wanted to make, but it is the choice I have to make.  I hope that people will be a little kinder in the future.  I hope that people can have more compassion in their hearts towards those who suffer a chronic illness.  I hope that there will be understanding that even when there is a smile on my face, even when I say I am okay… I may just be saying that just to get through the day without the questions or the glances.   I will not break from this. I will always be strong enough to fight, and always strong enough to bend in whichever way is needed to make it just one more day!

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