The last week has been crazy. I’ve had many up and down moments. One thing I struggle with here lately is realizing that I’m not the same person, in the last year so many things have changed. For one,last year I didn’t have a problem walking around. I may have tired after a while but certainly not after just minutes. That makes me sad. The struggle is real. I even skipped therapy this past week. Why you ask? Because I actually needed a break my body seems to be fighting me constantly in every way. I’m constantly reminded of the things that I cannot do that I didn’t have a problem doing last year. Wedding plans have slowed mostly because it’s just hard for me to get excited when I’m fearful of being able to walk down the Isle. I don’t want to be one who gives up. I don’t want to lose my mobility. It’s a scary feeling. Just knowing that everyday the pain that I feel in my legs will only get worse. The heaviness that I feel in my legs won’t go away the burning that I feel in my legs won’t get any better. The pain that I feel in the bottom of my feet ,the pain that I feel in my knees. The exhaustion. Every since having my hysterectomy I have been struggling. If this all changed in that short amount of time,just nine months… where will I be 9 months from now? I try not to focus on it. I only try to think about each day . If I can at least try to accomplish one good thing each day that will help me stay mobile then I am making progress. These days the effort is hard to come by. I am shocked by the person that I am. I visualize things so differently but yet when I look in the mirror I see things as they truly are. I made progress this week by posting pictures on a special site with ladies who were just like me. That actually put a smile on my face. It made me feel better, they all have the same exact condition that I do and they’ve all been walking the same path I have. Some are in a lot earlier stage than I am and that has to be something to be thankful for. They can do something more for themselves to keep it from progressing. Me? No such luck. I’m already stage 3- 4 and that sucks. I look at pictures of myself from when I was 20 I only wished that somebody would have stopped me from putting all those needles into my bottom so that I could have a baby that I would never have. I wish doctors would have said hormones don’t seem to be doing you any good. Maybe just maybe I’ll be walking around a lot better right now.
Each day I go through some sort of therapy. Some days I feel really great. .. others not so much.
It’s a new way of living. Each day I’m working towards a goal. I just want to stay mobile. I learn how to shop for clothes that will be helpful to me. I wear shoes that will work with my bandages. When I dress in the mornings I have to select clothes that will work with whatever therapy I am having for that day. It’s always exhausting. I keep on keeping on though because I refuse to give up. I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to allow myself to be judged by the stereotypes. I will try to educate as many as I can. I don’t care how often I sound like a broken record.
I have found a song that I feel explains exactly how I feel and what I will do from here on out. I will share it with you today.