Angry Today :(

Do you ever feel like running from everything and everyone? It seems to me no matter how happy I try to be someone or something is always in the way. Either you are fighting with things from your past or dealing with things that bring you down now. I am mentally exhausted by it all. Totally. I just feel like I can be all  alone by myself and feel less hurt. Less pain, less disappointment. I’m just so freaking tired of it all!!!! No one will ever understand me, no one will ever understand the tears I have cried, the pain I feel in my heart and with my body. I just want to detach myself from it all. How? I can’t…. no matter how far I try to move past things there is always something lurking like a terrible disease ready to consume me and remind me just what and where I have been. I don’t know what to do anymore and the frustration is real, it is big and I feel very soon I will throw all my happiness away just because I am not understood…. maybe I am rambling here? I am mad and angry and hurt and I just can’t take much more. Everything hurts. I am drowning and there is no one for me to reach out to because I am mis- understood so easily.  I don’t like the person I am becoming. I am sinking in a dark hole and eventually I won’t see anything but the darkness. No single person will understand this because it goes so much deeper than just being diagnosed with Lipedema. It’s EVERYTHING!!! I have so much to be happy for but yet I can’t because I have so much that makes me angry. My childhood, those that were supposed to protect me but didn’t. Those who were supposed to love me but didn’t. Those who were supposed to teach me and prepare me for life… but couldn’t. Those who did things to me that are unforgivable… those who would rather beat me and torture me than to love and nourish me… yes I am 41 and I still suffer from it all. It consumes me! I have wasted away in this body because I trusted my doctors, I trusted others… and they all managed to fail at what their purpose was/is. How the hell does that happen? How does it continue to happen? Was I born to be tormented and to be fearful even as an adult? HOW could I get like this? How could I keep it all in so that it destroyed me and others? How do I get over it and start living now?  Someone please tell me… please I beg you. I have no more answers!!!

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One thought on “Angry Today :(

  1. Girl we all have a past I do understand I have hurts an pain but u have to make peace. With it. It happened it shouldn’t have you willl never forget it. Just like I won’t but forgive those who have hurt mistreated an damaged u. Not for them but for yourself. Once u forgive them release it. Let it go .. if u find yourself drifting back to it. Just say I have forgiven it is done. I release it right now . Then find something good to remember or do that makes happy or treasured moments to shake off that dark place … I love you. You are a sweet loving friendly an kind human being an God don’t make mistakes ..your on this earth for a reason an a purpose an everything you have been through has a reason an purpose in your life. Maybe God wanted u to see the amazing strong person u are. Not sure we don’t get to turn the page an read that next chapter we can only believe. Trust an pray .. I love you my friend. Hold that beautiful head up an let that anger go … 🙂

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