I woke up today feeling extremely worn down. At some point this becomes exhausting. You don’t do it for fun. You do this because you have to. You do it because you hope and pray that it will make a difference and that it will change in some way. I’m here in this little room having my physical therapy today. I am by myself and that gives me time to think. Thinking is often my worse enemy. I think about all these women out here that are dealing with the same thing I am. How they must feel the same way I do. .. do they feel as trapped as I do? I have my good days. I have my bad days. I am guessing that today I’m in the middle. Everyday I’m reminded of what I can and can’t do. Everything has changed. I’m held captive by bandages, appointments, pain…sleep deprivation. I’m emotional because I’m no longer taking my hormones. I see all these people in here and in the only one here with this disorder. I want it to be something different. I want to see changes. I want to quit hurting. With everything good going on in my life, I should be happy. I’m not. I don’t even know where to begin. I realize that eventually treatments for this will come out of my pocket. My insurance expires in October. That makes me upset. Up until I started this treatment I couldn’t barely make it to the restroom. Life is not supposed to slow down to a crawl at 40! I spent many visits to the ER begging for answers. Many times I left crying, feeling no better than when I had got there.
I can’t imagine going back to that way of living. It was extremely miserable then. ..and mostly miserable now. Today is my day of being pitiful. All the phone calls I have made and I just feel like I’m hitting brick walls. Surely stress isn’t good for our bodies. ..and I have prayed and prayed for a answer. There really aren’t many options for us. That’s the truth. It is what it is. So yes. .! Today I’m angry. I can’t be happy all the time. I am trying. I know each day will get better. There have been things to be thankful for on this journey. …. but a lot to be angry about and even more to be confused about. There are no books that guide us to what works and what doesn’t. .. speaking to a doctor whom is familiar is near impossible at the moment. There are so many of us and to few doctor’s that are informed. I feel that I will scream at the next person that ask me “what is wrong with you” or the next person that cracks a joke at my expense just may wind up crying because I have a lot to say. … it may hurt their feelings like so many have hurt mine. Well I guess I’m done being Mrs. GRUMPY….
I’m going to look for the positive side in just a few moments because that is about all I can do for the moment. … I’m going to suck it up and play Dory! !!!
Just keep swimming!